Thursday was my last day of leave – which I planned to spend relaxing before I eased into work on a Fri – purposely planned that way so that I would not have such a long, overwhelming week.
Instead: I had to go to the hospital for an emergency operation.
I broke it.
Its a bit embarrassing, so if you really want to know what it is, look up Bartholin Cyst.
I had it done on both sides and now I am sitting (not literally, because I can’t sit) with 2 gaping wounds that better heal fast!
So during admission, the nurse asks you a variety of questions about your health. 3 pages full.
I didn’t understand the way she was pronouncing some words, and some things they ask are ridiculous because you are supposed to give them dates. (I can’t remember what movie I am going to see at the cinema and I only bought my ticket an hour before!) Seriously.
I know these are necessary for my safety and so on and so forth – but so painful! At least they have nice food at Sunninghill hospital.
I was allowed to complete the form for my anaesthesiologist and had to sign to say that I would not:
- Drive a car
- Sign a contract
- Make any important decisions
in the next 24 hours.
I loved that!
So this is a snippet of how it went:
Q: What operation are you having done?
A: Drainage of 2 Bartholin Cysts
Q: What?
A: Drainage … of … 2… Bartholin… Cysts…
Q: What is that?
A: Umm… its a cyst that needs drainage (I am too embarrased to explain this when there is a ward full of visitors listening to every word)
Q: How do I spell it?
A: Let me write it down for you…..
Looking at paper….. Eish……
…..
Q: When was your last menstrual period?
A: 23 December
Q: Have you had a hysterectomy?
Huh?
A: Ummm, no, I still menstruate, which means all my bits are there!
Q: Do you have weight fluctuations?
A: Yes
Q: When?
A: When I eat alot
Q: Do you get headaches?
A: Yes
Q: When?
A: When people piss me off
Q: Do you get sweets?
A: Pardon?
Q: Sweets?
A: Um, I don’t understand, show me the paper…. Oh! Sweats! Yes I do
Q: When?
A: When its hot
Q: Have you have Bronchitis?
A: Yes, but not in the last year
Q: When?
A: Um… (frantically picks a number) 3 years ago?
Q: Do you have circulation problems?
A: Yes, very little blood goes to my hands and feet
Ok, we need to take your blood sugar…. proceeds to prick the side of my finger, then lifts my whole arm UP … and wait…. wait… wait for it…a tiny drop appears.
2 things wrong with this scenario:
- Anyone who knows anything about bleeding, knows that to STOP bleeding you lift the bleeding area ABOVE the heart – well Sweetie, no blood is gonna come out now that my arm is way above my heart
- I JUST told you I have circulation problems.
After coming out of theatre the nurse comes to check on me…
Nurse: I need to check that everything is ok…. Um… where must I check?
If I wasn’t in so much pain I think I would have laughed out loud.
Cocktails & Memories 